Wiping My Tears Away....

{Picture taken at Blake's Baptism.}

This is a good man. A sweet man. A sensitive man. A humble man. A funny man. A family man. My brother.

Emotions are on the brink again as we enter a new 'normal' with my brother Jason. Over the last two weeks he has not been able to communicate verbally. I miss hearing his voice. I miss his sense of humor. I miss his facial expressions. I would be lying if I said it wasn't tough. Where we used to get a pretty good smile and excited eyebrow raise upon walking in and saying hello to him, right now we barely get eye contact. But when he does make eye contact, it is strong, as if he wants you to read his soul.

Good thing I know what his soul is full of.....love, appreciation, a strong testimony of God and life after death. But, I want to know how he is feeling and what he is thinking right now. It was what we used to spend so much time chatting about and what brought me comfort. I know he still understands and hears everything said to him and I know he still enjoys time spent with people, but it is emotionally difficult carrying on a one-sided conversation when all you want is to know what his thoughts and feelings are.

Yesterday while I was talking to him, my eyes swelled with tears and started to spill over. I started to cry. He took his towel that was on his lap and wiped my tears away. It was sweet. And, while we might not have expression or verbal communication anymore, he is still here and present and I believe not wanting to give up yet, just letting his body and the cancer run it's course.

I keep joking with him that I am ready to call him 'The Comeback Kid' again and he can start talking anytime. Until then, I will call my dad's cell phone and listen to Jason say "Hi...you have reached Mike Erickson's cell phone......." and continue to let Jason wipe away my tears from time to time.