NEEDING HIS HAND TODAY....

I would be lying if I said I was all smiles today.

Today has been particularly tough.

Bawled earlier and have been teary ever since.

Wishing so badly I was still pregnant.

I didn't imagine this journey/process would be this tough.

I was hoping that each day just got easier but some days are tougher than others.

I'd like to think it might be hormones.

Evenings are particularly harder than daytime.

But not today.

I keep catching my profile in the front bathroom mirror.

There really should be an excuse for my protruding stomach.

But there isn't anymore.

It's just weight that I need to lose now.

Friday evening I had the unfortunate opportunity of still experiencing

labor pain/miscarriage of some sorts even after my D&C.

I found myself doubled over on the couch in pain.

"Like I was getting ready to deliver" I told the on-call doctor over the phone....

while trying to control my breathing to manage my pain.

I found myself taking a cleansing breath, followed by slow breathing

and then quickly followed by "he, he, hooooo" breaths.

Then a cleansing breath. Then a break.

Dave timed the contractions. That is what I decided they were.

45 secs to a min long EVERY 2 minutes.

For over 2 hours.

Then I passed a pretty large clot.

And viola.....no more cramping pains.

NO more. Not even one.

Pain free since then.

Relief really.

Now I just wish the emotional pain would go away completely.

Not sure that is happening until....

maybe I am pregnant again?

I don't know.

That seems like then there would be something to look forward to again.

I think that might be the hardest thing right now.

Waiting...not sure what to do.

My mind changes hourly.

Three weeks ago I could browse the Target section and pick out....

infant car seats, baby clothes, smell baby lotion and it was all reality.

On Monday I went to Target.

Tried to stay away from the baby section, but just couldn't.

I wanted to find that little girl outfit I had bought three weeks earlier.

I wanted to get it in a size 3 months instead of the 9 months one I had at home.

Because if I get pregnant again I will need it in a smaller size for summer.

If it's a girl.

I felt like I was sneaking around the baby section so no one

who saw me would think I had lost my mind.

I found the outfit and put it in my cart.

Then decided to hide it in my cart

so no one would see it and think I had lost my mind.

I kept telling myself that I shouldn't be buying it.

That I had no business buying it.

But I couldn't put it back.

Instead I texted Dave and told him....

"just bought a baby outfit, I feel like a crazy woman, but can't help myself."

I'm just ready to get off this roller coaster of emotions,

but I have a feeling....it's going to be a long ride.

Will you stay around until the ride ends?

I sure hope so.

I need your hand too.

Especially since his won't be home for another two hours.

*sigh*