Dear Dave + April....A Tuesday Series.

Things that are stressful in our marriage:
Owning your own business - check.
Working full-time with each other - check.
Having a child with special needs - check.
Not millionaires - check.
Throw a teenage daughter into the mix ---- we could be in trouble!

What we have going for us:
Share same religious faith - check.
Both committed to each other - check.
Make each other laugh - check.
Still in love - check.
Married for Eternity - check!

This last year we have fought more than ever before. We have some unique stressors added to our marriage, but in reality, all marriages have stressors. It is how we choose to deal with them that will either draw us closer together or farther apart. We were growing farther apart. Starting to fight over 'nothing' and then turning it into EVERYTHING. Bringing up past annoyances and faults each and every time. Doing more damage with each new fight. Becoming less sensitive to 'what should hurt' and apologies becoming less sincere. We were pushing every button we knew that would 'hurt' the other person. Our children were hearing it, watching us treat each other with less respect. We were fighting a lot. Our kids would beg us not to bring up work while we were out to dinner because they would knew it would lead to a fight. But when the fight was over we went back to our normal routine, which in general, meant really loving each other, not realizing the damage that really was being done. Not only to us but to our children.

Then two weeks ago, for the first time in our 16 years of marriage, we fought about nothing and everything, and we didn't crawl into the same bed. We didn't even sleep in the same house. It was late, we were tired. We had just put our kids to bed and one comment was made. A comment by Dave that deserved my attention, but instead I pointed out that he did the exact same thing to me and the yelling ensued. He grabbed his keys to leave with the comment "I'm going to the office." I followed him to the door, slammed it behind him, LOCKED it and turned off the porch light. Shame on me for sending that message. But I thought he would come home.

I went to bed. Expecting him to come home at some point. Possibly crawling into bed, possibly sleeping on the couch. I woke up at 6:30 am and tipped-toed out to the couch. He wasn't there. His truck wasn't in the driveway. I checked my phone. He had texted me over and over until 2:00 am asking if I was there...he wanted to talk. My stomach sunk. My heart ached. I texted back that I had just got his texts. He texted back....'check your email.' I then felt sick to my stomach. How had we let it go this far.

Here are excerpts from the letter he wrote to me and my letter back. The letters that are saving our marriage. Saving us from our bad habits. Starting us on a beautiful journey again. Reminding us that we each need to come first in each others lives. To stop and take interest in each other, spend some quality time with each other, to treat each other with the respect that is deserved. Because we do love each other so completely. We share excerpts of these tender letters in hopes to help any others who are going through difficult times and for our posterity.

Dearest April,

No matter if both of us decided to apologize or not, the damage is done. We need to figure out from this day forward if it is still worth it? Do we move forward together or not. Can we focus on each other rather than ourselves? We are both very guilty of not including the other. I cannot speak for you but the only thing that I want is someone to take interest in what I'm doing at work or home or what ever it might be. I feel alone at times but very loved at other times. It's very confusing. I'm sure that we both could write a huge laundry list of mean things and things that annoy us but I don't think that is very productive. This last year, business wise, has been hugely stressful for us and as for myself I have not handled it with grace as you have. Our business was struggling and we risked losing things we had worked hard for. I might let my ego get the best of me sometimes but I cannot change the way I feel. Having you be so close, it is obvious that I have taken most of my frustration, anger, and self doubt and directed it towards you. I have realized that sometimes I need to take a step back and enjoy the great things that I still have in life.

I'm sure this all sounds like psycho babble but I felt that writing would be better than yelling. I think that I need to take a self inventory on how I treat you and our kids and would ask that you would do the same. I'm going to rely on the counselling we received 10 or so years ago, so if you would like to join with me, that would be great. Call me, write me, text me whatever you want. I would like to talk.

Love,
The guy who fell in love with the girl with the over the top great personality and cute too.



Dear Dave,

I agree 100% with everything you said. Now if we can just figure out how to 'say' all that so we can talk things out instead of you driving away. You should try just going down to the bathroom and locking the door like I do when I need a time out next time! I do need to work better on my listening skills with you and take more of an interest in you and us. We have both fallen into some really bad habits. Each equally very hurtful in very different ways. There is no one I would rather spend the rest of my life with than you.

I'm guessing we need new counselling now with everything going on, but I know how much you hate those first few counselling sessions...so I will give us trying to rely on what we learned the first time at counselling, plus throwing in some of the marriage enrichment tools we learned too. But this cannot be ignored anymore. Too much damage is being done. I think we need to have daily check-ins with each other in the evenings. Time before we get tired to talk about our behaviors, where we fell short and what went well. If that sounds good.....please come home....NOW....before the kids wake up and I have to start lying! Plus I want to give you a really tight hug. Thanks for the letter!

Love,

The girl who fell in love with the hot surfer boy


Dave came home and we held each other for a long time. Then headed to church and made our first new rule....we would sit next to each other. Meaning no kids between us. It was our first step to making 'us' a priority again. It felt good.

We are making progress. We have had a few set backs already but have avoided a full blown fight so far. That's huge progress! We will share our 'letters of progress' here on Tuesdays with tricks that are working. One more rule we committed to again...was to stop using 'always or never' when arguing or fighting. There is a way to fight fair...and those words are not considered 'fair fighting'. There might have already been a slip up that will be addressed in next week's letters! Until then we'd love to hear from you.

Any general questions about us, our marriage or issues in yours that you want to know how we would handle? Email us at davenapril@aol.com. We'll answer them next week with each of our own point of view, then discuss them as a couple, and come up with what we think will work. We will keep your questions anonymous. We do have 16 years of experience! And, we still only have eyes for each other.

{if you know us personally and love us, it's OK to ask us 'how we're doing!'}

love,
dave + april

P.S. His letter still makes me cry every time I read it. And, I re-read it often to remind me how much I love that man and how bad I want to work on our eternal happiness!